CAUTION

Many strange messages of late. I tend to receive them on an almost nightly basis via Ouija Board. I don't think it's the spirits of dead people; I suspect that it's some kind of inimical voice that speaks the True Language of the Universe and urges me to greater and greater acts of foolishness, foolhardiness and wanton carnality.
I'm not sure what to make of it but I can't get over the gnawing suspicion that maybe the CIA or NSA or even the Yakuza is behind it; maybe even Green Peace. The latest word is that I'm supposed to form some kind of sick, twisted and depraved Cult that the "Voice" tells me should be called either "The Renegade Motorcycle Daredevil Sex Cult" or maybe something simpler like "The Tiny Goliaths." I still can't decide. And I've never received a "Mission Statement" from a Ouija Board before, but apparently I'm supposed to push this thing to the proverbial hilt and strive for a vast, midnight orgy on an as yet undisclosed date in late September that will shine the Holy Light on all my followers and open the pathway of Truth that will lead us to World Domination. Groovy, eh?

What am I supposed to do with that?

I decided to throw out the damned Ouija Board but, before I could tear myself away from it, the "Voice" advised me that if I drank the creepy, blue water from inside one of those Magic 8-Balls, I could attain the True Gift and I would then receive all subsequent messages through telepathy. I was told that the "transmissions" would begin as soon as I had "Transmuted" the blue water.

Weird…and I'm not sure how to proceed; other than with extreme caution, of course.

But Caution has always been a problem for me.