Ouija Speaks

The Ouija Board was talking loud last night and I was again tempted to sample the blue water from the Magic 8 Ball. But, luckily, I managed to contain myself.
I have felt a need in recent days to perhaps acquire some kind of psychic power and I’m starting to get less uppity about slurping up some of that Blue Water that keeps the Answer Box so fresh inside there. After all, I’ll need some clairvoyance if I’m ever going to find the Secret Rebel Base.

But the Ouija Board had a few other things to lay on me.

For instance:

The world will not end in 2012 as some would have you believe. The world will end in 2013. It turns out that the Mayans got started one year late because they couldn’t find any real virgins to sacrifice that first go around.

It will be revealed soon that Global Warming is indeed a myth and that the whole story was concocted by Al Gore to impress Jodie Foster.

It will turn out that, after new archaeological discoveries of several codices, the Dead Sea Scrolls were actually the first draft of a script for a travelling Comedy show called “The Live Sea Strolls and the Good-time Happy Sunshine Company.”

Historians will soon learn that Nostradamus was not a prophet but was actually a time traveler who really did know what was going to happen. He referred to Hitler as “Hister” because of a severe lisp. In fact, his entire effort to journey to the Future was to have this embarrassing condition surgically corrected.

Dinosaurs never actually walked the Earth. It will be explained via new satellite imaging technology, and various transmissions from deep space, that the Earth is the “Pet Cemetery” for this entire galaxy and that’s why all the bones are here.

Oh…also…various transmissions from Deep Space (see above) will reveal that Aliens are real and have been using Earth as a dumping ground for several millennia.

The Next President will not be Barak Obama or John McCain. Instead the new President will be a horrific nexus of the two after a terrible accident at an Iranian Nuclear Power Plant fuses them together and “they” return as “Jorak ObaCain, Fierce Mutant of the New Revolution.” And this hideous monster will enslave the world and raise the price of gas to $14 a gallon to weed out all the “Weaklings.”

In twenty years’ time, the leading Religion on Earth will be “The Renegade Motorcycle Daredevil Sex Cult.” The religion will have been founded by C.S. Perry but Rev. Perry will be killed when the cult’s secret Ashram is destroyed by Jorak ObaCain in a month-long siege over the right to a Free Press and Strange Ginch at least once a month. The Rev. Perry’s followers will carry on the cult in his name and be hounded by the Government for debauchery until a new prophet, JesAl Sharckson, surfaces and converts the Mighty ObaCain to the New Religion.

Then: Peace on Earth and goodwill to all.