Ask Rooked

Dear Rooked,
What's going on out there...right now?

I need to know.



Well...

Somewhere, right now, there are two people dining al fresco, smoking European cigarettes and pretending at Café Society. The irony is, their conversation is going like this:
"Yeah, I'm serious."
"No, you're not."
"Look, I'm telling you, if I don't have something good to read in the bathroom my bowels get blocked up. I can't help it…they just do."

Somewhere, right now, scientists are working to figure out how, exactly, to either shrink people or enlarge food. After all, something's got to give.

And somewhere else, on the High Seas, frightened sailors are locked in mortal combat with a leviathan from the Deep. And all they can think is: "Man, if we get out of this alive…nobody's ever going to believe this shit."

Somewhere, right now, far above the Earth, aliens are peering down at us through highly-powered magnifying scopes and questioning the wisdom and value of knowledge acquired through Anal Probing.

Somewhere, out there, maybe down your street, one couple is trying to convince another that it's "okay" to Swing. And the other couple is trying to think of a tactful way to tell them that they are both infected with Imported Herpes.

Somewhere, probably in the Midwest, under the harsh glare of bar room neon, a drunken fool is wondering if it's all really worth it as he casually fondles the loaded gun in his pocket.

Not only that, but somewhere else, another drunken fool has just decided that, if he's going to go, he's going to take a lot of innocent people with him.

Somewhere, in a small town you've never heard of, a gang of Boy Scouts has just heard the scariest story of their young lives and they're all huddled in tents wishing they were someplace other than the woods. And not one of them realizes that they are merely moments away from their first Circle-Jerk.

Somewhere, right now, that person that you swore you'd love forever and ever is going down on someone else and really doesn't care whatever became of you.

Get this…somewhere, deep in some underground military base, some general is pounding a table in front of his R&D Staff and insisting that the Death Star was not "just science fiction."

Somewhere, in his parents' basement, another ill-informed and misguided conspiracy nut has made a documentary that will finally prove who killed Kennedy, the existence of the Illuminati and the fact that 9-11 was an inside job all in one fell swoop. This highly shocking film will also provide undeniable proof that the guy who made it is still a virgin.

Somewhere else, a guy just lubed up and got out all of his favorite videos and then decided that it just wasn't worth masturbating tonight.

Somewhere, right now, the music is loud, the drinks are flowing, people are having fun and nobody thinks too much about what will happen tomorrow. That is, until the sun finds them alone, pantsless and stretched out on the back seat of a stranger's car with their own underpants wadded up in their mouth and no idea who paid the babysitter.

Somewhere, right now, barefoot girls really are dancing in the moonlight and they have all finally realized that the subtle Truth they have been missing is that Movement means everything…if you can get there before the Moon dips below the horizon. And what really bothers me about it is that I have no idea where this is all taking place.