Dec 17, 2008

Ask Rooked

Dear Writer of Rooked,
I find your blog distasteful and annoying and I can’t imagine why anyone would read this trash.
I also think you must be a sick and perverted person to put up pictures of half-naked and naked women as if they were nothing more than objects for your pleasure. You must be a terrible male chauvinist. You have devalued women everywhere. It’s people like you that have held women back for too long. I can’t believe that women would knowingly allow themselves to be used in this way.
Who do you think you are?
I hope to never stumble upon your writing again.

Sincerely disgusted,

Dear Feminist Douchenozzle (NAME INSERTED),

Well…it’s always good to hear from an avid reader. And I’m sure that you can live the rest of your tortured life without ever stumbling onto my blog again. After all, there are only about a bazillion other blogs out there that I’m sure you would enjoy much more than “Rooked.”
But I sense, somehow, my dear (NAME DELETED) that you’ll be taking regular breaks from your daily perusal of all the “How-to Craft blogs,” “Jesus Loves the Little Children pages,” and “Men Suck so Let’s Clobber their Testicles with a Ball Peen Hammer” sites to stop by “Rooked” from time to time…just to make sure that it still seems completely prurient and licentious and offensive to your delicate, womanly senses. And far be it from me to deny you your right to be a tight-ass prude in a public forum where every Tom, Dick and Harry can take a swipe at you. Sorry for implying that any Dick might actually want to take a swipe at you but…well, I think you see my meaning, eh? Sure you do, you’re a bright girl, right? Right?
You bet you are.
And, just for the Permanent Record, I am decidedly not a Terrible Male Chauvinist; I’m actually rather good at it if you want to know the Truth. I should be, I’ve been practicing for years and I have perfected the subtle art of skirting the edge of chauvinism without ever actually becoming a misogynist. (Which is no mean feat.) It gets very tiring writing about women if you secretly hate them and spit curses about them into your pillow in the quiet, private midnight of your life.
And I don’t feel that I’ve devalued women at all, because that would imply that they had some sort of less-esoteric dollar amount attached to them in a free market place. (That means that in order to devalue them there would have to be a “base price” affixed to women everywhere that could fluctuate within the market and that they would probably be for sale or trade which implies slavery which, while still extant in the world more than most people think, is quite distasteful to me in general.) Dollars get devalued not women. Perhaps you meant that I have degraded women. Maybe? Yes, I think so too. Synonyms can be tricky things and I believe it was Mark Twain who once said, “The difference between the Right word and Almost the right word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug.” But it’s not my place to sit here and spit quotes from America’s favorite Lover of Buggery at you. So we’ll just let Mr. Clemens sit the rest of this one out, okay?
And I always find it absurd when I hear women going on about how men have held them back. I’ve never met any man, any where who wasn’t, at all times and in all conditions, completely controlled by whatever woman happened to be sharing his life (and home) at that particular moment. I think you miss the point about what valuable commodity women carry with them wherever they travel and its True Price has yet to be measured on this Earth. But All Men want it and that is the only certain thing this side of the grave. Take my word for it.
Besides, I’ve never held any woman back…not personally. Held a woman down…maybe. But never back.
As for the pictures I have posted on “Rooked,” well…all of them have been sent to me either by request or out of a sense of respect and Duty to share beauty among the freaks. All of them are up with the full permission (some could be termed “tacit approval”) of the women that are featured in them and I’ve had no complaints or requests for removal from any of them.
In fact, I took these myself. Pretty good, eh?

I knew you'd like them.

And you’ll also notice that, in almost all of the pictures, the faces of the young ladies are hidden from view to protect their anonymity. (Besides, if I edit out their faces it makes it that much easier to objectify them.)

I also must ask you this:


Jesus Christ Honey, if this one blog gets you so upset, I pray you never see sites like “Baby Dolls and Big Dicks” or “Dastardly Tales of Forced Sucking.” They would send you into paroxysms of chagrin, shame and self-loathing that no amount of Thorazine could quell.
In other words…I’m concerned for your moral well being. After all, that’s why I starting blogging in the first place…to help people.

So, to answer your question…that’s who I think I am.

So you see my dear (NAME DELETED), I have made your Internet Safety my personal concern and spiritual endeavor. And, in order to protect you from the Real Filth that’s out there, I plan to see to it that you are kept constantly abreast of what’s happening here at “Rooked.”
Since you were kind enough to send me a personal message, I now have your email address and I’ll be sure to let you know the instant that any new posts go up.
Oh yes, and I’ll be sure to check in with you on a day-to-day basis, just to be sure that you don’t have to see any of the Dangerous Images or Content that infect the World Wide Web. I plan to forward you some fine, wholesome articles, pictures and videos that I feel will appeal to your sense of Good Taste.
In fact, I’ve attached a short file to this message that I think you’ll enjoy. Just click on the file to view it.
It’s called “2 Girls 1 Cup.” I think it’s about some kind of tea party or Ice Cream Social. It should be right up your alley.



Bulldog said...

I agree with the chick, (who knows it might get me laid). This is outrageous!

B said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

my photograph to follow which you may take as my tacit approval that it can be posted with the rest of the degraded women

Huzzar for degradation!

All This Trouble... said...

You just can't stay out of trouble, can you?

tea party....that's funny....

Cat said...

What do I have to do in order to get my own, pissed of feminist troll? God, I try and I try to offend, and I'm just no good at it. Dear Rooked, you must teach me. How can I better offend the masses? You lucky bastard, it is your gift.

L.C. didn't send that email, did she?

Teri said...

Both you and her are just collections of carbon particles and various compounds. You can write about whatever extravagantly written fantasies you have about women all you want because it is your blog after all. This other woman can better use her angst and protective instincts for a better case for women or maybe get some children with some kind of disorder and get angry with people who look at them funny or make ignorant comments about disorders in children - because everyone should know how hard that is, even if they don't have kids.

kundun said...

i've been saying for years this attitude of yours would land you in hot water, and this is just the beginning. the forces of feministic freedom (fff)are about to deluge your blog and stage a write-in. they will prevail and run off the scum who propigate filth, trash and degradation...or they will form a coalition, talk about it, decide to act and then go off to starbucks to celebrate their high-horsedness (i'm pretty sure that is the correct term) and you'll never hear another word.

FLG said...

As always, I am in support of increased use of the word douchenozzle and pictures of half-naked and naked women.

Purest Green said...

"They would send you into paroxysms of chagrin, shame and self-loathing that no amount of Thorazine could quell."

She should be so lucky.

B said...

ahhhhh. seeing my semi naked self there fills me with a warm and fluffy feeling.
Don't tell anyone, but I think this degradation might catch on

l.c. said...

Cat, you've offended me! YOU BITCH!

Jk. Yeah, you're not very good at offending people. You suck.

See how good I am at it? Watch and learn.
I wish I'd sent that email, but alas, I'm only so lucky as to be shown naked (postpartum, mind you!) on Rooked. And fictionally written about. That's cool, though.
I love the last bit too, CS. "tea party"... that IS funny!

C.S. Perry said...

"Fictionally" written about?
There's more truth here than you'd like to admit.
And, I would once again like it noted for the Permanent Record, it was YOU who revelaed your nudity and not I.

l.c. said...


l.c. said...

revelaed... i meant.

All This Trouble... said...

I think C.S. should put up his hot tub picture. I think that would only be fair.

I can't wait.

C.S. Revaled.

sarah said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


The Maximum Leader said...

Tea Party!

Woo hoo! Tea! Tea! Tea! Tea!

I think I have a toga here from my last tea party. I got all the Earl Grey stains out.

That Earl Grey was spilt on me by a careless party-goer. Some people... Can't hold their tea.

swingerwife said...

I just found your blog and had to stop to say that....damn, I like you!

I like you ALOT!

Jane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jane said...

Thank you for sharing the letter. That lady is a cute one.

It is only when you have haters that you are truly made in 'Blog World.'

Congratulations! Although, you've probably had hate mail before...

kel said...

Evil genius.

Amorous Rocker said...

Tea party or ice cream social eh? That's what all the two girls one cup hoopla is all about. You know girls and their tea parties, they get rowdy once the ginger snaps and ladyfinger cookies are served. :D

Your response is classic. Love it. :)

Jenny said...

Does this mean that we should send you bOOb pics?

Michelle said...

If I sent you pictures of my boobs would you "Rook" them? The lady who wrote the letter obviously hasn't seen enough tits and ass in her lifetime.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Oh hey, you asked for a picture.

You may use this one.


Claggie said...

I wonder if she cried.