Dec 8, 2008

When the Levee Breaks and the Gorillas are Loose in Your Soul

There are some moments in life that will stop your heart and cause your blood to run chill in your veins.
Some are more severe than others and the varieties can be More Serious and Less Serious, depending upon the implications of each incident as they are examined on a case by case basis.
But the irony of such instances lies in the fact that the nature of these moments is largely visceral and you probably won’t have the kind of time you might need for proper reflection and the gathering of empirical data that will afford you the opportunity to pontificate overmuch on exactly how you should, or how you are going, to react. Things happen fast in this life and you can’t always take the time to prepare your reactions in normal or measured terms and conditions.
When I was a child I was playing in the yard and I looked out to the tree line and wondered, for some unknown reason, exactly what I would do if an albino gorilla suddenly shattered out of the trees and ran, full-speed, at me bellowing like a demon from the very mouth of hell itself. It is a vision that has haunted the corners of my mind for many long years and I can’t seem to shake it.
Why would anyone imagine such a thing? And why albino? I suppose it would only add to the high order of strangeness for such an event. Even though a gorilla running rampant around the woods in the American South would be strange enough, it still doesn’t quite trip my weirdometer the way it should.
But there are other, more prosaic, events that can still elicit a blood chilling moment of True Despair that will settle in the pit of your stomach like a ball of dry ice and send you shivering and screaming into the night just as surely as any wild-ass gorilla loose from the zoo or the late-night Circus Train that derailed on the outskirts of your small town for no good reason at all.

Last Saturday, I prepared myself for a Night Out on the Town. I got reasonably dressed up and waited patiently while my young lady friend spent her time in front of the mirror making certain that she looked as good as nature, and cheap, indoor lighting would allow.
She chose an outfit designed to ignite the fire in my loins and send my mind reeling off on too many Barbarella-related tangents. (She had on boots that were entirely too reminiscent of my favorite Science Fiction Heroine.)

But I am, after all, a fully-grown and respectful Southern Gentleman and I felt sure that I could contain my precarious moods and remain calm and not let my libido get the better of my logic.
And I did quite well…at first. But then came the night-life and the neon and the slow-hokey music with its pulsing beat and the churning burn of whiskey on the back of my throat. At last, my words began to slur, my vision doubled and I felt the Need to spirit her away to the more private confines of Chez Rooked where I could light the Space Lamp and get Down to Work and maybe, just maybe, talk her into wearing a low-slung leather holster with my silver ray gun in it and the top of the scabbard sheared away with the “speed-draw” in mind. All in all, it was shaping up to be a good night.
The Lamp was lit, the blinds drawn and we settled in to take care of a little unfinished business.
I’ll spare you the gory details except to say that it was a raucous and wild ride and we held on to it as long as we could but then…when the dénouement arrived…and I “withdrew,” I saw the one sight that no man wants to see. The Condom had broken.

As I looked down at that single, shriveled band of latex wrapped so neatly around the base of my penis…I felt my heart stop and the blood freeze in my veins.
Some scientists will tell you that achieving Absolute Zero is impossible, except in theory, but I’m here to assure you that all molecular activity ceased in my body and the World Stood Still. And somewhere, from some distant outland of my memory, came the bellowing call of a huge, albino gorilla coming at me at Full Speed and the fear leapt into my throat followed all too quickly by a stream of expletives that would’ve shocked Lenny Bruce.
I cursed the manufacturer of the condom and started yelling about the inadequacies of their laboratory testing and screaming about tensile strength and stress tests. Condoms were meant to be a sign of sexual liberation…of Freedom, not this…oh Dear Lord not this.

I lamented all the whiskey and music and those damned boots! Why did she have to wear those boots? Why?
My son is only five months old and I’m still adjusting to life with an infant in the house and I can’t imagine having another one with which to contend already. And what if it was a girl? How in the hell would I ever manage to explain Menarche?
I left the room immediately and spent the rest of the night sucking on a rum bottle and muttering and cursing until I fell into a fitful and uneasy sleep filled with nightmares of rabid albino gorillas and endless chases.
The next morning, she flatly refused the Plan B Pill and we went out for breakfast and a couple of pregnancy tests. She “passed” one and we put the other away for future use…after the hormones begin to do their Thing.
So now we’re tip-toeing around each other and trying to pretend that everything’s fine and normal but we are under siege now and the winds of winter are blowing tidings to me that I may not wish to hear.
And sometimes, if I turn my head just the Right Way…I can hear the distant, muted roar of a distinctly simian nature and I know that my days are numbered.


Gladys said...

Space lamp revisited :)

Anonymous said...

It sounds like your lady friend wants to be pregnant with no birth control pill and refusing to use Plan B. What the hell? Good luck.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Except for Edgar Winter, and the White Buffalo (oh! A band name that would so rock!)the accepted notion is that Albinos are inherently evil.

Even the condom looks surprisingly pale.

l.c. said...

Yeah, it sounds like his girlfriend just wants to get pregnant. She must be trying to trap him.

Yeah, that's it.

Maybe she's just not into dissolving babies in her uterus.

She's probably some religious freak. Or some dumb redneck hillbilly girl who just needs a man to take care of her.

Helen said...

Does sound like it's time for more effective birth control, though. Do you happen to know why she goes without?

All This Trouble... said...

Oh my...somehow, I see a counter blog going up somewhere else very soon about choices and how everyone is entitled to make them and you know, how it take two to tango and you know how it's not only the woman's responsibility and how she may still be breatfeeding and not willing to expose a certain little someone to uneeded hormones and such. I don't know. I'm just sayin'

Yeah...that's about all I'm gonna say except, maybe that wasn't an albino gorilla in your imaginings, maybe it was a giagantic sperm?

l.c. said...

Yeah, she's breastfeeding. Here's a bit from a breastfeeding website:
"As long as the nursing mother is exclusively breastfeeding, (nursing frequently day and night with no supplemental feedings), the baby is younger than 6 months of age, and the mother has not started having periods, she is more than 98% protected against pregnancy."
Here's another bit:
"The first choice of birth control for nursing mothers is non-hormonal methods. This includes condom use, which has the advantages of being readily available, and having no effect on breastfeeding. Condoms can be very effective if used correctly."

Maybe C.S. just didn't know how to put it on?

l.c. said...

Or maybe he sabotaged the condom because it is he, in fact, who wants her to get pregnant.

C.S. Perry said...

Or maybe his penis is just so huge and powerful and imbued with his amazing verbal alacrity and creativity that no sheath can hold it.


All This Trouble... said...

Oh, oh, oh....I know! (Raises hand) Maybe it was EMO sperm! And maybe rather than hurting itself, it just cut the condom?

Joan of Argghh! said...

Or maybe his penis is just so huge and powerful and imbued with his amazing verbal alacrity and creativity that no sheath can hold it.

Is that your rapier wit, or are you just glad to see me?

Cat said...

Scary. Very scary indeed. And many applause to the lady for not subjecting her mini to the hormones. It will all be ok :) And if not? Well, you know where you can send your child. I hear Fed Ex does a nice business in infant-smuggling. And I have an empty nursery.

l.c. said...

That's awesome Cat.

C.S. Perry said...

I just put your name on the List.

B said...

maybe (just maybe) she knows damn well she isn't pregnant because it's totally the wrong time of month, but she's not going to tell you that because it is just too much fun watching your blood freeze in your veins and albino gorillas from hell run at you with intent to destroy.

just a theory ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm with B- I think she likes to see you sweat.

And Plan B is NOT approved for breastfeeding mothers. And, as much as it seems like it, another baby is not the end of the world...

Anonymous said...

(or MAYBE, she went to the sex shop for birth control with baby in tow and got kicked out.

Oh wait. That was soemone else.)

C.S. Perry said...

What kind of freak would take a baby into a sex shop and...wait...oh yeah.

L. said...

Huh. And here I thought having a five month old was birth control all on its own.

Failing that, I'm with B in the she's-enjoying-seeing-you-sweat camp. Though any father who spent the night sucking on a rum bottle isn't much help with night feedings.

Purest Green said...

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. Have a cookie. (That is what you want to hear, isn't it?)

Clay Perry said...

is that the same damn gorilla that was there the night the spaceship whacked the tree tops off on martin street and took the cows?

Jenny said...

Gotta love assvice.

I feel like there should be some comment about when the fucking condom gets lost, and the steps that must be taken to "find it", and how that shit totally ruins the mood, but I don't know you that well, so um...good luck...

and nice pics. =]

kundun said...

tis' only a matter of time before baby number 2 issues forth from the loins...unless you have, GASP!,a vasectomy...which can keep the gorilla at bay...not that i really know anything about that. round here we use the pull out method, in case you care to know. anyway, don't freak out. if it happens, silas will have a playmate to torture. if it doesn't, luck was with you. oh, stop using those dollar store condoms, boy.

Jane said...

your lady friend really should have been on birth control.

double protection is the least you both could do.

l.c. said...

What it boils down to is NO more sex for C.S.! That's the best birth control there is.
Of course, in his mind that means more blow jobs...

But we all know better than that, don't we?

C.S. Perry said...

One Word:

Bulldog said...

maybe she was already pregnant with MY kid at the time,and your little mis-hap was just a fortunate, (for me), accident.

kel said...

You went out with a girl wearig space boots? I'm sooo proud of you!

Teri said...

She shouldn't have to take birth control - she's feeding ababy, can't take it anyway. I don't use BC as I'm breastfeeding too and doc says no to it until total weaning.

We also had an oops a couple of days ago (only it wasn't condom related, who knew I'd end up with the only man who continues to have orgasms after the first one and its condom gets thrown out) so we'll see how that pans out! Believe me, we already have 2 now and I'm NOT trying for #3 for at least 2 more years!

Cody said...

C.S., one word: snip-snip. The world is overpopulated as it is. Anyone that has more than one (or two if they've got good genes) kid(s) at this point is selfish and irresponsible (most of us aren't working on the family farm nowadays). You got an handsome little fella to nurture and teach how to tell dirty joke. Enjoy that.

Take yourself out of the reproductive cycle and still have fun. And keep the expiration dates on those condoms.