Jan 25, 2009

Rooked Hits The Road


Well…yes. She told me, in no Uncertain Terms, that I needed a vacation and that I was taking one…whether I liked it or not.
I told her “Fine.” I left it with her to make all the arrangements and book passage and I just kept my head down and hoped that I wouldn’t find myself locked in a steamer trunk on the way to Tierra del Fuego.
She called back later in the day while I was at my desk and gave me the news: We were booked to fly out on the 27th for a few days in Fabulous Las Vegas.
Now, you must know, if you plan to take your Show on the road, that the secret is to never forget this basic fact: Any Good Act Swings. And that’s what the people want…and it’s my job to give it to them. So I’ve already loaded my bags with booze, fireworks and marital aids. I’m just hoping for the Best…on all fronts.
Now…I mentally prepared myself for all the obstacles I feel sure we’ll have to negotiate if we want our trip to be successful.
First:
No Gambling. (She immediately put the kybosh on this and told me, to the penny, how much of my money she had allotted for us to gamble.)
Second:
I can not go sideways and embark on some kind of half-bent, Hunter S. Thompsonian romp down the strip. (This is absurd. If you’re in Vegas…you have to. I think it’s some kind of law out there.)
Third:
I can not tour the show-bars looking for Skinny Memphis, even despite her vaguely mentioning that she was headed out there to find work. (I promised Her I wouldn’t go looking but, last week, I got a report from the Gorch Brothers that Skinny Memphis had, indeed, gone out to Vegas and was now doing three shows a night at a private club and that she’s changed her name to Skinny Vanilla. Now…I just need to think of an excuse to slip away for a few hours.)
Fourth:
I refuse to go see any show prefaced with the name Cirque de Soleil. (It turns out She already has tickets for the First Show on the 27th. Yep…Bought and paid for and there’s no way for me to get out of it either.)
Finally:
I refuse to buy into, or have any part of, all this hokey-ass, ad campaign “What happens in Vegas…Stays in Vegas” bullshit. (But I’m already trying to decide what I should call myself when I get out there. So far, I’ve got: Rex Beaver; or maybe, Hung Wellington; and I might even use Buster Cherry. You never know…this could be my Big Break into the Porn Industry. Despite FLG's warnings. Vegas is, after all, Sin City.)
I just hope that She and I can see eye to eye on all these things.

Well…then again, it is my first vacation in a long time and I guess I should be grateful…and I am. Up to a point.

17 comments:

kel said...

I say go with the old Homer Simpson standby of "Max Powers." No porn needed.

All This Trouble... said...

You remember that night we all got so hell bent on going to Vegas to get married by Elvis? You went to look for your credit card and when you got back, we were already passed out. Good times, good times....

C.S. Perry said...

WOOOO! Spring Break!

My milk's going to dry up, and no amount of winnings can change that.

Oh well! I should take my stilts with us and see if I could get a job being the ring bearer for one of the Elvis elopers. Man, that'd be sweet. I could even get really long white, rhinestone clad stilt pants. Ooo! CS, you should go online and get certified as a minister so you could be the Elvis priest! We really could start our own act out there.

l.c. said...

Whoops. Now our secret is out.

I accidentally left my comment as CS. Of course, if any of you read CS you know that message wasn't really his Style.

People can't necessarily discern that we live together by that, can they?
man.

HeartofGoldPlate said...

But that's Bat Country...

Clay Perry said...

69 Moonlite Rd.
Carson City, NV 89706

southerngirl said...

Enjoy!!!

All This Trouble... said...

This is Joe speaking: Stay away from the Sake. The Sake made me drunk. I called my wife at 3am from the Bunny Bar. Stay away from the Sake.

C.S. Perry said...

Sake it is!

Jessica said...

Everything goes in Vegas. Have fun.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

My personal favorite is Don Keebles. Say it fast. That should be your Vegas name definitly.

Michelle said...

All those rules suck. Sounds like all the fun got sucked out of Vegas.

Cat said...

L.C. totally spoiled the Rooked mystique for me, until now I'd been able to convince myself that your cohabitation what a sham and that Silas was a circus baby, raised by elephants and borrowed for occasional directorial endevors by a budding young talent who happens to get lucky 7 feet in the air sometimes.

Have fun! I've never been, bring me back a keychain!

rachael said...

LOL, have fun! Did you pick your name yet? ;)

Purest Green said...

Wow I'm really late - welcome back. Sick for three days straight- bummer. You ate the shrimp cocktail, didn't you? Never, ever eat the shrimp cocktail! It slices a gap between worlds and lets the evil pour in.
Of course, it could be that your body knew you were on holiday and decided to let any pent up stress have a party. Either way, hope you're feeling better.

.::~P~::. said...

......no gambling? WHAT?

but......Vegas...you have to!!!.. Why go to Vegas then?

Good for the vacation but... I feel sorry for all the laws put on you...

Kassandra said...

Ugh....I wish I could afford to take a vaca right now!!! :(