Mar 12, 2009

Shouting Match

Yesterday afternoon Silas and I went for a long walk. When we got home we sat outside in the late sunshine and had a shouting match.
He was very funny as he balled up his tiny fists and growled at me. Then, of course, I would growl back at him. Then he would arch his little eyebrows and shout at me as if I had missed some vitally important point he was making with his growl. I shouted back. We kept it up for a good, long while.
We got pretty loud there in the front yard and I wondered what the neighbors were going to think.

It was one of the funniest things he's ever done and I'm glad he had a good time. But I felt sad afterward because, even though it was a special little moment between the two of us, there was nobody else around to see him up to these hi-jinx. And it was a sight to see. So he and I just laughed together.

I haven't gotten a new camera yet and I hated that the moment was lost without my having captured it on film or at least in stills.

I hate the way things have happened lately in my life and I feel terrible that I'll miss out on so much and that other people who love him will miss little, funny moments like yesterday.

I have enough regrets in my life and I don't want him to ever have any. And even though I know he will, I just hate for him to have to start out with a strike against him already because of me.

Here's an older picture anyway.


mechanicalpencil said...

What is this big strike against yourself that you keep speaking of? It seems to me that Silas has a father that loves him, and that is more than a lot of people have.

I know I may not be the best at taking my own advice, but don't beat yourself up so much, life can pass you by too quickly for constant self reflection.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

You know I know you are going to think this is psychobable bullshit...but kids are resiliant. They really are Believe me in my line of work I see that they can get through incredible difficulties. That they will cling to their parents no matter what stupid mistakes they have made and for the most part they will turn out to be good people. All they need is love. And believe me I have seen some pretty stupid parents out there in private practice and even they are capable of loving them.

Yeah I know this will make you feel better haha. It came out harsher than it sounded in my head...but you getthe general point!

C.S. Perry said...

I do love him and nothing will ever change that. I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone. But that's just part of having a son.
And I know the danger of beating myself up too much.
But this time...there's a little tiny person who's whole life is being altered because of somehitng I have done. Who knows what it will do to him now or even later?
And that's hard to deal with.

Cat said...

That sounds hilarious, babies are so freaking funny man! My (not so baby anymore) niece loves it when you cluck your tongue at her. She'll do that back and forth for hours!

wendy said...

No regrets, darlin'. Just start from here. It's a good place to start from.

side note: I used to play fight with my kids too.. and when my youngest was 12 she balled up her fist to shake it at me, playing, was a bit too close to me, and popped me right in the nose. The surprised look on her face caused me to laugh all that day. And we still laugh about it.

Memories, my brother. Just have fun.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Really all there is involved in being a parent is making sure the kid is loved. It really is as simple as that. With love comes responsibilities, but it all boils down to that to loving him. Regardless of what you did to fuck up.

I messed up big time and I had 4 little ones. Does it make me less of a parent? Well I guess only time will tell and I will have to ask them...but live fo rthe now and make sure he never thinks of you any other way.

.::~P~::. said...


Just me... said...

mechanicalpencil took the words right out of my mouth..
You know, life never turns out the way we planned. Since we're only human, we screw it up on a regular basis. But as long as we keep trying, sometimes we get it right... And looks like your relationship with Silas falls under the category of 'Right'.. Just keep it up.. :):):)

wendy said...

Amen and amen. But look how much fun you two are having now. It would suck if you were so wrapped up in your sadness about your past "crimes" that you couldn't 'LET GO' and just enjoy. Then that becomes a TAKE from NOW ... and let's not take from now.

A word to the wise? When he's 18 and dating and you take an all day road trip with him and his girlfriend, and his girlfriend suggests that you play "20 questions" ... you know ... the version that's more like truth or dare. .. ? DON'T play!!! Kids' DON'T want to know all of the crazy stuff you have done. I mean ... they WANT to, but they don't know what to do with the information once they get it ... and they kinda judge you the worse for it .... just sayin' ... that's what happened to me.

wendy said...

Hey ... I'm taking my blog private because we are involved in litigation and the opposing counsel reads my blog. I'm adding your name to the "allowed" readers list, if you wanna stop by, you're welcome to come by anytime, friend.

wendy said...

p.s. Sorry to be going on and on ... but you know what I think is WORSE than not having a camera? Having a stinkin' camera and not knowing where you put it cuz your house is so piled up with stuff everywhere you can't find anything.

And there's no hiding piles of crap from the kid, either. He KNOWS I'm a piler. The shame. sigh.

wendy said...

Ah hah! Mystery solved. I DID comment on the couch burning in the woods and the almost fat girl ... that's the post I am talking about ... but I commented back to you on my own blog. Not here. Meant to drive traffic towards your worthy blog. It's totally cool.

Thought I was going crazy! (I knew I had commented!)

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