Feb 4, 2008

Carnal Monday?

Well, today is Monday February 4, 2008, and I feel a bit ill-at-ease about it. I’m having trouble coming down off a hyperbolic high, so to speak. After all, yesterday was Super Sunday (though I dare say that the Patriots might disagree) and tomorrow is Super Tuesday. I can’t help but feeling that poor, old Monday February 4, 2008 is feeling a bit put out by not having even the slightest bit of fanfare for its current arrival and imminent departure. Who would wish to pass on so low a note? Is it wrong to feel empathy with what is, for good or ill, just another slot on the calendar? Can days of the week feel anything at all, to say nothing of a sense of injurious emotional disregard? I certainly hope not and can’t imagine finding any real evidence to support this claim; but in the interest of maintaining a sense of Justice and Fair Play, not to mention paying a slight homage to whatever Cosmic Forces are spinning the Big Wheel in the sky, I say we should all take steps to rectify this situation as much for ourselves as for this Monday.
So…in the interest of ramping this thing up and getting all the Real Freaks together on this issue: Let’s make it Happen.
I propose something like “Funday Monday” or maybe “Resplendent Monday” or even, against all my better Marketing Knowledge, “Superlative Monday.”
And perhaps there are too many people too busy recovering from the debauchery of Super Sunday or gearing up for the debauchery of Super Tuesday to care very much about pulling out all these particular stops, as it were; this is, in their minds at least, either a day of rest and recuperation or day of wild preparation. So let’s leave the over-indulgers in sport and spirits to their sorry fates and allow the Politicos and their ilk to go on taking themselves far too seriously and start, even now, to plot and plan the Celebration of (Insert Hyperbole Here) Monday!
So…plan something special. Have all of your “gang” meet at a local tavern or eating house and start the Barrels Rolling. Sing loud and off-key and remind our Latino/Latina friends that May the 5th isn’t the only obscure game in town. Yes. Just get on out there and make complete asses of yourselves. Do it now. Do it for America. You can always find somebody to post bail on your behalf and, if not, it never hurts to make a few more spaces on the “Enemies List.”
Or maybe a special night with your “partner” or Significant Other. Yes, that’s it. Plan a fine, candle-light dinner and spread a few blankets around with big, fluffy pillows. Start out whispering sweet nothings and then move on to full-fledged Sexcapades! Nothing says Super Monday quite like burying your face in someone else’s genitals, right? You bet! Get it on in honor of this auspicious day and go full-throttle for the Big Bang. Why not? Don’t waste time with niceties, just get to work.
Or maybe open your home to a host of stone crazies that you wouldn’t even speak to on the street and let them know that the Bar is Open and the Buffet is On. Yes. Much like Polaroid admonished us: just See What Develops. You never know, it could be very interesting and may lead, despite your best efforts, to more Sexcapades. (In lieu of “clean-up” just spread old shower curtains around and try to keep the Action compartmentalized.) After all, you’ve got insurance. What the hell have you been paying all those premiums for anyway?
Or, the best yet, just stop on the way home at your favorite watering-hole and get as plastered as you can and insult anyone who comes near. (A possible “flash” of the “privates” might be taking it too far, but I’ll leave that to your discretion.) When they come for you and start to throw you out, just yell, “What the Hell!? Don’t you know it’s Super Monday!? What the Hell was my Grandfather fighting for in World War II!? This!? Hell NO! It was FREEDOM!” And I promise that this one small pronouncement will ease any pain you may end up feeling upon your forcible contact with the sidewalk.
So…there it is. And I trust that all you weirdoes out there are already cooking up your plans. And I hope that everything comes off without a hitch, or at least without the “Authorities” getting involved. (Just in case, please forward all summons, writs, subpoenas and warrants to my address here. I bet it’ll be quite entertaining.)
If any of you are looking to add spice to your specific celebration, the best way to make that happen is to include me on your guest list. You can send all particulars to me here and I’ll be sure to RSVP as quickly as time, and my hectic schedule, allow.
Until we meet again and I have the opportunity to visit my felicitations on you in a more personal manner,
Adieu.

P.S. Happy Extravagant Monday!

3 comments:

Jules said...

So where are we meeting and am I supposed to bring the shower curtains?

C.S. Perry said...

Ah man, that's just sick. Where the hell do you come up with these things?

Jules said...

From you my twisted brother, from you......