There are some days when it pays to just stay in bed and pretend that none of this has ever happened. But today isn't one of them. No. Today is a day to get out there and Face the Music. Some days are rougher than others and I tend to feel a little spiritually unbalanced when the pollen count sky-rockets and the world is covered in a subtle blanket of fine, yellow dust. It blows in and forms neat little drifts here and there and everything you own seems tainted with a weird sort of jaundice that makes it all seem hopelessly diseased. The world isn't a very pleasant place when you can't take a deep breath without searing your bronchia in the Holy Name of Cross-Pollination.
And a thought keeps ringing in my head: Sky Scrapers do not produce pollen. So I begin to think about all those freaks in the Sierra Club constantly whining about the de-forestation of America and I wonder how they would fair here with a lung full of this magical Pixie dust on a sunny afternoon. But I guess they're all too busy being frightened by the hideous specter of Climate Crisis (Which is the term they’re now using in lieu of Global Warming because even liberal freaks realize just how asinine it is to use such a term only a few short weeks after one of the coldest winters on record. Not to mention the flawed “Hockey Stick” mathematics that led to the whole concept to begin with) to care too much about the apparent glut of trees that is, even now, dirtying up our cars and causing mucus to flow like rivers in most of the heads not tightly sealed in hyperbaric chambers. Besides, there are more important things to be afraid of these days. (I know that I keep a pair of un-tied shoes at the foot of my bed every night just to keep the vampires away. A vampire cannot abide disarray of any kind and a pair of un-tied sneakers will drive him to the point of distraction and it gets awfully hard to suck blood effectively if you're all bent out of shape over a pair of sneakers. Yeah, it sounds crazy I know but I have been suck-free for the last twenty years. So scoff if you will, but my neck is clean.)
But it's not vampires that are on my mind right now…or is it? No. It's pollen and my continuing consternation with the arrival of the brutal Spring Season. You know what all that pollen's about, right? Right. It's the stench of plant-sex run amok and it can cause severe shifts in the human libido that can only lead to more trouble than we're prepared to deal with at this juncture. Admittedly, the human libido is a decidedly mercurial thing at best and, at worst, it's a grotesque deformation right out of Jekyll and Hyde. The human body can only stand so much vacillation in this area before strange side-effects take hold and the whole mechanism goes haywire. The pollen gets on the skin and is then slowly rubbed in and absorbed through the pores where it finally takes root and then gestates into the hideous monster that it really wants to be. And we all know what a nightmare that can be. There's nothing worse than a bunch of over-sexed freaks running around at all hours of the day and night dry-humping everything in sight. Yes. It awakens the Dark Need in all of us and the SWAT teams will be completely helpless in the face of this onslaught because the minute they are exposed, well…they'll be exposed. And if you've ever been dry-humped by a SWAT team then you know exactly what I'm talking about. (The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.)
So I suggest we create a special team of crack-commando eunuchs to handle this specific problem. After all, it won't bother them in the least. But the real problem is what to do with them when winter comes. It might be hard to convince the local political machines that wasting valuable tax dollars on a program like this is worthwhile. And you can just bet that there aren't very many eunuchs to be found in the hallowed halls of government where a healthy, or, more probably, unhealthy llibido is a prerequisite to entry and that will only serve to make them simmer all the more. There's nothing worse than a house full of bored eunuchs cooped up together all winter. Well, except maybe a SWAT team out running rampant for immediate gratification. But I guess a man has to give up one or two things when he wants to get another thing or two in return.
What's the solution? How should I know? But I know that if something doesn't break soon there's going to be a lot more humping than the public is prepared to handle. Our public mores and social taboos will all be violated and the world will revert to some kind of feudal near-anarchy where sex is the only viable commodity and all the ugly people will be chemically sterilized for the sole purpose of crowd control. Just the thought of it makes me long for a strong dose of levophed just so I can handle the imagery.
Well…I guess maybe today isn't such a bad day to stay in bed.