Mar 17, 2008

The Subtle Art of Chasing Snakes

Green is a word that has taken on many negative connotations for me in the past few months as I have tried to grapple with the more liberal aspects of its precise meaning. My patience has grown thin with all the howling and gnashing of teeth about saving the Earth, animal rights and the need to combat Global Warming. But I will not enter into some heedless diatribe or screed against all the flakes out there wasting their time on Red Herrings today. Or, perhaps, Green Herrings, eh?
No, indeed. Today is, after all, Saint Patrick’s Day and my mind is filled with many other more pressing matters. Or at least seemingly so. And, with the Luck of the Irish, maybe I can manage to stumble through yet another secular-cum-Roman Catholic Holiday without getting too angry about it…for various reasons.
Most of my displeasure arises, as usual, with all the histrionic myths that have grown up around St. Patrick, almost all of which are patently false. (I know it must feel as though I spend all my time deriding anything that comes down the pipe but I have reasons for my displeasure that I’m sure a lot of you may well understand.) St. Patrick lived a life that occurred circa 385-461 AD and most of the nonsense you’ve heard about him chasing snakes out of Ireland is complete balderdash and deserves no merit anywhere, much less here. He was actually British and was taken to Ireland as a captive by forces attacking his family’s estate and, after escaping his captors and hearing the ubiquitous and requisite “voices,” he decided to return to Ireland as a Christian missionary. After spending fifteen years studying to enter the priesthood he returned to the Green Isle to set about his work. He ended up incorporating the Pagan elements of the Irish tradition of worship into his ceremonies in his zeal for conversion. So the act of celebrating Easter with bonfires was born, along with a lot of other “distasteful” elements that rubbed the Church in the wrong way. But the Church has always had a penchant for finding ways around such troubles. St. Patrick’s Day is observed on March 17th because this is the supposed day on which he shuffled off his mortal coil and joined the ranks of the canonized.
And, as fate would have it, the Roman Catholic Church, in its superior and unflagging wisdom, moved the annual celebration of St. Patrick’s Day this year, in Ireland at least, to March the 15th, because they cannot abide to endure the debauchery of the holiday when it falls during Holy Week; as it does in 2008. They have been at least marginally flexible with this particular holiday, since it falls within Lent, by providing an indult concerning Fish on Fridays. This practice has become known as the Indult of Corned-Beef, if you can believe such things. It’s merely another example of the True Religious Meaning of dogma and practice being usurped by the more secular need to get roaring drunk and coat the lining of the stomach with something more substantial than ichthyoid-based proteins. And now we seem to have drifted back into the subject of Green Herrings.
But I won’t waste any more time discussing the retardation that seems to flow endlessly from Rome; I have other troubles on my plate today. I am, myself, of Irish descent and I’ve always had a very soft spot for old Saint Paddy. The real trouble is that I’m also of Native American descent; namely: Cherokee, and this dreadful combination only insures that I have a powerful weakness for the whiskey when it begins to flow in earnest. And, as most of us realize, St. Patrick’s Day is the busiest “bar Day” of the year; even before New Year’s Eve if you can believe it. So the Danger is running high for feeble-minded suckers like me today and the Call is hard to ignore when one reflects on how much whiskey is being held captive in bottles on shelves behind countless bars all across the land and Liberation seems only a short tab away. Yes…the gutters will flow today with green-tinted vomit and urine and everyone who is, even marginally, Irish will be kissed more times than the Blarney Stone (with any luck.) It will be a Carnival Atmosphere and I already know that I’ll hate missing it; and miss it I must. For I have many weaknesses and my overweening lust for whiskey is merely the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
In fact, news came my way today that an old friend in Nebraska is, even now, writing a novel that is “loosely based” on my life. I feel certain that this is a direct act of revenge for the horrible scene that I caused at his wedding a few years ago and I’m quite sure that it will be filled with mean and hateful things aimed at this tedious part of my life and aspect of my character. I did, however, manage to feel the Urge then as well and got literally “Blind Drunk” and I found a way to insult and embarrass his entire retinue of friends, relatives and well-wishers. I’m sure that the expiation of that guilt will take more time than I have to devote to it and I feel the uneasy, gnawing fear that the bastard’s erstwhile novel will almost certainly see publication. But that’s just my faggoty-ass luck as far as these things go. Some myths die much harder than others, as I’m sure St. Patrick would testify if circumstances allowed it.
Not only do I have that particular Sword of Damocles hanging over my head, but I must also deal with the constant knowledge that my progeny will soon be celebrating his “Coming Out” party and I have to prepare physically, emotionally and economically for that arrival; which is no mean feat in itself. I have to wrestle with many moral questions and find a way to hone down my ethical apathy enough to envision myself as, at least, an acceptable father. This has become an almost constant subject of worry with which I do serious battle every time I feel the Need to hunker down in some dark corner and let the Drink do the thinking for both of us. And nothing good can come from that.
Add to that the usual pressure of professional obligations, my attempts to finish about four different artistic endeavors in film, writing and music and the daily nagging of friends, family and my domestic partner who all seem to have no qualms about taking up far too much of my personal time and you can just about see the kind of sick, twisted glee I could find in slipping off to get fashionably drunk in the early evening hours of yet another St. Patrick’s Day. A gig like that would’ve been easy to pull off just a few long months ago when nobody was really that interested in where I was or how I was spending my time (or money.) Sometimes I feel a vague and frightening desire to return to those days, but I’m a little smarter than I used to be. Or so I hope. And, as always, I managed to accomplish so much in that time and yet still remain completely dissipated…but I did it all with high tone and fine style. But style is, more often than not, a matter of opinion and I’m running out of those these days.
So let not your hearts be troubled by my ramblings on what is just another chance to thumb our collective nose at the Papal Seat and get falling down drunk into the bargain as well. Just remember that I may well fall prey to Dark Lust and end up stalking my desire in some lonesome bar room where the girls will be awaiting my company and the lights will be lit until closing time and another St. Paddy’s Day will be history. Keep your eyes open for me and if we happen to end up on adjacent stools…well, Kiss me…I’m Irish.

May the Road Rise to Meet you.


AnimalLover22 said...

It's sad that some people still don't believe we're facing a climate crisis.

Like animals?
Wanna lose weight?
Care about the environment?

Clay Perry said...

all points that are covered & this is what animal lover comments on? i still cant stop laughing....

Clay Perry said...

when your progeny does celebrate his coming out, you will find your time being taken up by the reality of keeping him alive to the point that being a good father moves way to the back of your mind. in time it will come forward, but then all you can really do is put the correct info in front of him & hope it takes... not all parents of serial killers were bad people...

C.S. Perry said...

As for the horrible spectre of Global Warming, I will point you to the one thing that liberals cannot stand: Facts. See Below:

Not to mention that a belief in Global Warming means accepting "scientific Data" that was gathered before the dawn of the 20th century. Would you trust a doctor who operated with such antiquated data with your health? How much faith do you put in such data since it was acquired in a time when the very science of Climatology was in its infacny? And science itself, which grows exponentially, is changing too fast for any responsible researcher to give much credence to such out-dated information. With the advent of such seemingly simple things as computer models and global satellite imaging, we know more now than scientists knew only 50 years ago. Yet some scientists still insist that Global Warming is real. You must realize that the issue has been politicized. The last Ice Age happened before we were even on the planet and what casued it? The same planetary trends that will cause the next one. And they have nothing to do with us. If we are facing a climate crisis, we didn't make it happen and we can't stop no matter what we do. The Earth has been running its own show for 4.5 billion years and has seen more changes than we can even guess.

Whether or not a person likes animals is hardly the question. I like animals fine and have enjoyed for many years the pastoral and bucolic beauty of the place in which I live and the various fauna which inhabit it have always been an important part of my appreciation for it. The question here is one of priorities. I do not believe that any animal for any reason should ever take precedent over any human being for any reason. My simple satement has been, and remains, that if you're fighting for the "rights" of animals, then you're fighting the wrong fight. There are too many other, more important and pressing, things to worry about.
I have never gone out of my to be overly cruel to animals and I like to think that a proper karmic punishment is awaiting people who do, but I also understand that we are on top of the food chain through no concsious decision or action of our own. Nature selected us to be where we are. We do not destroy "nature," nor do we act outside "nature," precisely becasue we are a PART of nature and, therefore, cannot act outside of its appointed limits.
Do you beleieve that homosexuality is acting against Nature? Hopefuly not. Becasue Humans do it and Humans are a part of Nature.

It's sad that young, idealistic and impressionable minds can be twisted by propaganda without ever even trying to seek out the Right Information on their own to make decisions about what is wrong with the world or how to go about fixing it.

c said...

when i first heard the story of man made global warming it came from a meeting in south america where 1500 scientists signed a letter stating that it was the greatest threat that our planet faces... all the networks ate it up, indeed i first heard it on abc, then i found the letter & study that backed it up, it was based on a computer model... the rest of the story, that i found out later, was that over ten thousand climatologists from the same meeting also signed a letter stating that man made global warming doesnt exist, funny how the media left that tid-bit out... can you say agenda?

Anonymous said...

Dear C.S. Perry,
I have followed your blog for about the last three weeks and I must say that I enjoy the way you write. I read your stories because they are funny and witty and they make me laugh. I can just imagine you doing all the crazy things you talk about. I don't always agree with your politics or your views on religion and the church but I know enough to see that you're just trying to be funny.
It makes me sad to see that whoever animallover22 is clearly didn't get past the first paragraph before they started getting angry and sending you links about their views. Any fool can copy and paste web addresses but you, C.S. Perry, seem to speak as someone who can think on his own and your remarks are always insightful when you have to take these commentors to task.
The worst part is that animallover22 prbably didn't even read the rest of the story. That's a shame because it was one of your best.

Keep up the good work.
An ardent admirer.

P.S. Are you single?

C.S. Perry said...

Well, if the above comment is honest and sincere...then I apreciate it. It's about time that soembody enjoyed my writing. I thank you for your comment.

On the other hand...if the comment is the product of one my "friends" then I'll thank you to stop teasing me.

P.S. As my latest entry points out, my singleness, or rather Singularity, if you will, isn't really an issue I can discuss. I am, after all, expecting my son in a few short months and I feel certain that his mother wouldn't take it very well if I advertised myslef as available.

kim said...

I agree with Clay. And if you don't agree with us's all Clay's fault...

Now, what's up with the adoring fan? I SWEAR it wasn't me. So...dude, did you write it yourself?

Just kidding. I know Clay wrote it :o)

C.S. Perry said...

Had I taken the time to write a comment like that to myself I would've certainly made it a lot more sexy and self-gratifying.
I even secretly suspect that the ever-mysterious animallover22 wrote it after realizing that the vast differences in our political views would mean that we could never "interface."'r right. Clay must've done it. After all, I heard that he's behind this whole "Recession" that we're suffering. Or rather, the recession that the media is telling me that we're having.
I'm up for a raise.

Right On.

Clay Perry said...

sorry about that economy, im working on it....

l.c. said...

That's another good one c.s.

So, is the bestiality person serious or joking? That's got to be a joke, right? Oh, well, I'm with Clay, I'm still laughing about that.

But I'm not laughing about this:

...and the mother (mind you, not lover, girlfriend, or life partner) wouldn't appreciate if you "advertised" yourself as single. Mmm-hmm. So, you can't discuss it, but does that mean you are or not? Are you still available? Hmm? Because that's some information I might like to be made aware of.

How about, "No, I'm not single. I'm in love with ____ and we are having a little baby and we're going to be really happy."

Clay, can you fix this?

Clay Perry said...

sorry about that, but it slipped through with the aliens & all, but im on it by tues of next week...

kim said...

I believe naked mud wrestling will answer all the questions and solve all the problems. You guys want to meet at our house? I'll tell Joe to get out the hose.

Clay Perry said...

mud wrastlin'? i'll be in for it, as long as i can run the hose...