L. Ron Hubbard saved my life, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and just Bent Over to Take it Dry without any lubrication...at All.

I’ve said it often enough but I still feel that it needs repeating (with all apologies to Charles Schulz): There are three topics which should never be discussed in polite conversation: Politics, Religion and the Great Pumpkin.
Sound advice to be sure but, then again, some habits are hard to break; like alcohol, cigarettes and date rape. And what would be the point, after all, if we didn’t have rules in place precisely for the sake of breaking them…at least from time to time…and very carefully?
So I’ll just begin on the topic of religion, and I’ll use the word very loosely in the context of this discussion, for what it’s worth. (Which isn’t much.)
I have been in a bit of a voracious episode of late in which I have been reading tremendous amounts of non-fiction on a wide range of subjects but I have paid particular attention to famous, as well as lesser-known, works on the subject of religion; inasmuch as its implications, applications, pros and cons.
In the interest of this research, my friend presented me with a rather interesting video that featured the only filmed interview with Mr. L. Ron Hubbard.
I am well aware of the sort of “campaign” that Scientology has waged on the internet and I’m also well aware of their much-publicized suit, and victory, against Google. So I’ll be very careful to steer clear of any libelous statements.
After viewing the first moments of this particular “Filmed Interview,” any person of even moderate intelligence or intuitive ability is likely to arrive at the unsurprising conclusion that L. Ron Hubbard was a total fruit bag of the highest order and worst kind and any rube dumb enough to fall for his shuck deserves whatever kind of cruel karma comes down on them in the end. And, as long as I’m prepared to start slinging a few subjective viewpoints and ugly adjectives around, I’ll just add that the illustrious Mr. Hubbard bears a striking resemblance to any one of many of the Munchkins featured in the film version of the “Wizard of Oz.” He comes across as being a complete creep in his cheap looking clothes, gaudy jewelry (which he features knowingly by constantly gesticulating with his meaty and underworked hands) and laughably incongruous ascot that is clearly a “clip-on” version of the sartorial equivalent to a bad toupee. Which, in this case, would have been more appropriate than his ill-styled shock of red hair that only serves to make him appear more carnivalesque. Not to mention the bad “high school play” look of the “Office” set from which he delivers his ridiculous pontifications on the Nature of Man. The whole production looks so shoddy that I’m forced to wonder if the equally illustrious Mr. Miscavige (The current and undisputed Leader of Scientology who started his “career” as an “assistant” to Mr. Hubbard and in video production) spent his early days putting the polished “Finishing Touches” on this piece of cinematic crap.
Now…the aforementioned pontifications are the True Problem of Mr. Hubbard’s whole act. He confesses to have discovered, apparently for the fist time in all of recorded history, that man is (gasp) a creature of “Spirit.” It would seem that Mr. Hubbard, for all of his self-expressed experience with, expertise in and study of a wide range of topics and sciences, managed to miss the most basic premise of almost every school of philosophical, esoteric and religious thought that has ever existed. But, luckily for all of us, he managed to discover this incredibly well-hidden fact and, as luck would again have it, just in time to save humanity and make a few bucks into the bargain as well.
Mr. Hubbard seems to be suffering from a sever case of Circular Logic and proceeds, unabashedly, to declaim opinions and presuppositions that would make a first-year psychology student howl with amusement. Aside from all the well publicized rhetoric about lost souls in volcanoes, mother ships and a Galactic Overload-which were, thankfully, absent from this video-Mr. Hubbard digs his own empirical grave and eschews the entire science of Psychology without even the slightest shred of evidence; other than the vaguely racist comment that it is largely a “Germanic” theory. Well, true enough indeed and, as one can clearly see from a list of names that might include Wagner, Von Braun and Einstein, the Germans have no place in the development of decent civilization.
(One is left with the feeling that Mr. Hubbard, or “L.Ronnie” as I like to call him, probably suffered from some extremely traumatic event in his past that psychologists were unable to heal and that left him with a soured taste in his mouth as far as the brain shrinkers went. Based on his mannerisms and appearance, I might even go so far as to quietly mention the word buggery at this juncture.)
To totally dismiss the science of Psychology as meaningless is as absurd as his claim to be the First to realize that man is a creature of “Spirit” and his equally absurd claim that Scientology is the First discipline to “treat” it. He makes the remark that he doesn’t treat the body and, therefore, he doesn’t concern himself with “insane” people because they have already “failed.”
If Mr. Hubbard had even one tenth of the knowledge and experience he claimed to have, he would realize that the “insane” are probably the only ones who haven’t “failed” because they were never really in the game to begin with. And, more to the point, as a man who admittedly decries Psychology as useless, it might’ve behooved him to study closely enough to understand that “insane” is a Legal term and is not used in any way to describe any condition in the world of Mental Health. The word insane only arises in courtrooms and speaks directly to a defendant or witness who may or may not have the mental capacity to answer for himself or his actions. While it may seem that this is just a matter of semantics, anyone with the slightest inkling about our Justice System realizes that the Law, more often than not, decides very serious questions based on the technicalities of precise meanings and turns of phrase on an almost daily basis. And anyone with a slight inkling about mental health realizes that nobody is ever “diagnosed” as Insane; rather, they are “ruled” or “found” to be Insane. It has nothing to do with Psychology in any way.
He compounds this ludicrous nonsense by insisting that he wants to “treat” the “Able” which is such an idiotic oxymoron that I had to strongly resist the urge to smash my own television in protest. Yes. He wants to make them “more able” so they can join his wandering phalanxes of zombies and suspected and alleged pederasts out there who are already so “able” that they feel the need to resort to Gestapo tactics to protect their precious “Church.” Which, by the way, is also a “Germanic” concept.
The very act of “auditing,” as he describes it, is precisely and by nature the very act of psycho-analysis itself. How in the name of all that’s holy can anyone denounce psychology as useless and even dangerous and then subscribe, in the same breath, to a half-baked imitation of it that serves precisely the same purpose? The process and detail of everything that Scientology does IS Psychology. It’s just that simple. In short, Mr. Hubbard is merely re-packaging old concepts and trying to pass them off on bunch of brainless sheep as some kind of “New and Original” system for dealing with life. And, interestingly enough, Mr. Hubbard, the self-proclaimed finder and sole proprietor of this Earth-shattering Spiritual Knowledge and Enlightenment, saw, unlike his unacknowledged predecessors, the capitalist value of his awakening and decided that such Important, Life and Soul Saving knowledge should be shared by all…provided, of course, that the Price was Right. Which only adds insult to injury when you’re faced with an arrogant jack-ass who is trying to rob you and insisting, the whole time, that you pay him for the privilege. (A simple search engine will reveal all you need to know about the price of Scientology.)
The rest of this video was as asinine as what I’ve already described and to discuss it any further might only tend to add credence to a subject that deserves only the strongest derision we can muster. Any fool who thinks that a hack writer of sub-mediocre science fiction managed to stumble onto any kind of Truth deserves the repeated reaming he’s bound to get at the gates of Scientology.
L. Ron Hubbard, throughout this video and, seemingly, his entire life, only managed to spit out crude, self-serving platitudes and clichés dressed up in scientific-sounding nonsense. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, he managed to do it without any style, flair or even a hint of showmanship. He was a very boring, disturbed, egomaniacal little man who has destroyed more lives than he has helped. I guarantee it.
The video ended with a typed message on the screen that assured all viewers that Scientology was growing exponentially all around the world and now boasted millions of members and all because of one simple fact. What fact, you might ask? “Because it works!”
Well…a lot of things work. I’m sure that I can find millions of people for whom antidepressants worked or for whom therapy worked or for whom nothing worked. And, likewise, I feel relatively certain that the Final Solution “worked” for the Nazis too. And I bet you could find just as many, if not more, fervent believers in Nazism right up until the end and even right there in the bunker when the Boss finally cashed out than Scientology will ever boast. But that doesn’t make it Right or even healthy. (And, after all, I hate to pick on a Germanic Theory again.) And it certainly isn’t the “only way” as the circular logic and self-congratulatory leanings of Mr. Hubbard would have it. Once again, all the success stories of Scientology…like all New-Age hogwash…are completely personal, subjective and totally anecdotal and have no value or place in a world of real researchers, scientists and doctors who truly want to help people and make their lives better.
On the Final Note, I should like to point out, for the Record as it were, that Mr. L. Ron Hubbard died a fugitive on the run from criminal charges and no amount of Scientological Revisionist History can erase that stony fact. Neither can it erase the fact that the Current Big Boss, David Miscavige, managed to convince Mr. Hubbard’s wife to resign her number two position in the World of Scientology when she was battling her own conviction in “Operation Snow White” (about which many more effective writings can be found with ease) without consulting Mr. Hubbard himself so that the ever-alluring Mr. Miscavige could slide into her role, no pun intended. Curious at best; especially when considering the rampant allegations of homosexuality surrounding Tom Cruise and John Travolta. And especially when you add the fact that David Miscavige looks like a Tony Robbinesque picture of perfection right down to the precisely placed hair plugs and bleached teeth. One look at this retarded triumvirate, and the barely concealed craziness behind their eyes, should tell you all you need to know about Scientology and the Wonders it seems to work for people who seek its healing salve; provided, of course, that they’re emotional cripples already who’ll swallow anything they’re fed. Again, no pun intended.
So…we’ve already discussed “Religion,” for want of a better term, and that only leaves two of the Big Three we haven’t touched on. I don’t have the time or energy to talk about Politics right now but, as for the Great Pumpkin, I’ll say this: I sat up in that pumpkin patch all night and I didn’t see a damn thing.

Right On.