Feb 7, 2009
Gray and I had a debate last night about which is more likely: The existence of aliens or the existence of zombies.
I thought you might know.
Well…that’s a Big Question but, luckily, I’m a Big Man. The trouble is I’m a bit reticent about addressing this particular issue for several reasons and one of the biggest is that my friend FLG recently announced that he was planning to start pontificating on the subject of Zombies…since I had already claimed motorcycles and werewolves as my Turf.
But maybe he can cut me some slack this one time and allow me to lay down some wisdom on this tip.
First, I’d just like to say that I’d love to get my hands on some of that Exobiology Money. I mean, becoming a scientist in a field where there’s really nothing concrete to study must be a sweet gig and a smooth dollar at the end of the day. All you have to do is sit around all day and theorize about what it might be like if we ever do come into contact with alien beings from another world. And the real beauty is…you can’t be proven Wrong. Unless, of course, the Klingons decide to drop in on us or Darth Vader sends down a garrison’s worth of Storm Troopers to slaughter all of our aunts and uncles in fiery shoot outs. Then…well, let’s just say that the guess work would be removed at that stage of the game.
But up until then it seems like you could just about write your own ticket and earn plenty of extra bread by going on all those History Channel shows where they endlessly debate the ins and outs of the Roswell Incident.
But do aliens exist? Well…I think any cosmologist worth his salt will readily admit that, given the number of stars in the universe and the odds of inhabitable planets actually being present in the systems that surround them; alien life is probably a foregone conclusion. So, in the interest of hedging my bets, I tend to err on the side of mathematical certainty. So…Yes, aliens do exist. However, with all the freaks out there who claim encounters and various scatological examinations, I must confess that I doubt that they’ve visited our planet with any kind of regularity. And, if they have, they’ve most assuredly exhausted the arena of knowledge to be gained through anal probing. And, if you accept the theories and numbers thrown around by geeks like Bud Hopkins and Whitley Strieber, you must realize that, if there really were that many abductees, there would be a lot more people walking around with prolapsed rectums.
Zombies, however, are a different kettle of fish altogether. My fear is that, given the recent discoveries in physics regarding the holographic nature of the Universe and our temporal reality, it might just shake out that our innate willingness to believe in something may well give rise to its actuality. Where zombies are concerned, that could end up being a Real Problem.
My Real Fear is that if zombies were to surface in some third-world country and begin to threaten us with an actual outbreak, via some kind of hokey-ass infection that would re-animate already dead flesh, we would all freak out and start killing anything that moved out of a misguided sense of survival in the purest of its Darwinian forms.
But then all the Liberals would get involved and start wailing and gnashing their teeth about how the zombies deserved fair and equal treatment and that, if we wanted a real democratic society, the zombies should be given a voice and a chance to air their grievances and have their point of view heard. Then they would become a Cause and people would rally to support them in spite of the fact they would be ceaselessly feeding on the Living in cannibalistic horror. After all, the undead have rights, Right? Right. (By the way, they prefer the term “The Living Impaired.”) Surely they have as many rights, at least, as all the brain-dead Muslims who feel more comfortable living in the Dark ages and who’d like nothing better than to cut off all our heads in the maniacal throes of Jihad. Sure they do. And so then we’d have an all-out media blitz about the Rights of the zombies to set policy for our country and be given the right to own homes and vote and ascend to their Rightful Place in our Great Society. Next thing you know, thirty years down the Zombie Road, we’d all be celebrating the first Zombie elected to the White House and then there’d be no stopping them.
And who knows what kind of retarded-ass policies they’d enact and try to squeeze through a predominantly zombie congress?
Can you imagine….a gang of, essentially, brain-dead freaks who would follow any old campaign of rote and repetition so long as it met with their ideals of feeding off the meat of a whole other realm of hard-working, wealth-creating, job-securing people and then setting themselves up as the Masters of the World based solely on the efforts of Others and then using that platform to continuously feed off them in an effort to re-shape our nation to their desires?
Sounds scary I know and who could ever imagine such a thing?
So…to answer this one…Yes, Aliens Do exist but they have yet to breach our borders.
Zombies? Well…in a classical, Horror-movie sense…No, they don’t exist. But, by God, they sure seem to be creeping up on us. Don’t they?